Most of us aspire, or desire calm parenting but we are aware of its difficulties. Although parents want to deal with their kids in principled and logical manner, they end up losing their temper and yell at them.
It is no secret that parents love their kids, but yet they end up yelling at their kids due to many reasons. We end up blaming our kids for our sporadic outburst at them. We feel that our kids are not listening to us, misbehaving, being disrespectful, or being sassy. Along with such intense emotional outbursts, parenthood is a very personal experience, where the parents feel a plethora of strong feelings. These feelings are mixed with fear, anger, anxiety, helplessness, sadness, and many more feelings that are emotional.
Many a time, these feelings come in the way of logic and our reasoning. As humans, having this gamut of feeling is completely natural and normal. However, at the same, it should not stand for all kinds of our behaviors or outbursts. As parents, we need to take control of our behavior when such strong feelings are triggered off inside us.
Triggers and Buttons
Parents are vulnerable to different emotions. This sets the alarm triggers inside us. Raising kids is a struggle that leads us through a journey of emotional experiences. It is here, where we are exposed and need to confront our own fears, disappointments, anger, or even some unfinished business from the past. These moments of confronting our own true selves get in the way of calmly dealing with kids. Hence, the stress hits the buttons, all our emotions are triggered off, and later we feel guilty and hopeless at our behavior. This vicious cycle of ill-treating kids, seem to continue.
Search for the Logic Room
Let us imagine our brain has two offices. The upstairs office called the Logic Room deals with logic and the downstairs office, called the Emotional Room, deals with emotions. So, things run smoothly upstairs, when the downstairs office is fine. However, the upstairs shuts down when the downstairs office is heated up and opens later when things are calm just repair the damage done.
In order to deal with such issues, recognizing your internal triggers and acknowledging particular emotions will help soothe you and control your behavior. By calming yourself inside, you will have a much better control over your behavior and can parent with much more efficiency. If you think this is impossible, then you will be pleased to know that is achievable with practice.
Apart from screaming and yelling, when your emotions are not in control, there can be other reactions like shutting down, ignoring or distancing yourselves from the kids. Instead of doing this, go and ask help from the Logic Room and think about the logical response to a kid in a particular situation. The more rational and mature response to kids by knowing our triggers and acting responsibly will improve our relation with kids.
We need to calm ourselves and give ourselves the shoulder to understand the reasons of ill-treating our children. Be a compassionate friend to yourself. We will give you some guidance on achieving ways to stop yelling at kids.
- Logical part of brain needs more education
You need to stop before responding to your kid’s actions. Reading articles, which will train you to remain calm with children, really helps.
- Don’t make others act according to your convenience
We often have the tendency to make our kids act just the way we want them to act so as to fit our needs. This is called the herding instinct and by doing this, we get more anxious. We need to stop doing this and cannot coax others to be calm or behave the way we want them to behave. This induces more stress when the kids do not want to be, as we want them to be.
- Recognize your triggers:
You have to recognize which behavior of your child gets you agitated. Are feeling like anger, guilt, helplessness, hopelessness, fear making you angry? Check the changes in body signals when there is a trigger. Writing them, down will help a lot.
- Constant self-enquiry:
You need to keep asking yourself why a particular behavior of your child upsets or irritates you. Writing it down can open several things from the past and various fears of the future. When you write it down, you will get to know why you have these behavioral issues with your kid and whether they are rational or irrational fears subsuming your rationality.
- Be aware of consequences:
You need to remember that yelling at your kids can have a negative impact on them. A child gets comfortable with a parent who has a good influence on them and not with someone who is not responsible with their behavior. You have to calm down to set an example for your kid.
- Expectations should be real:
Often we forget we are dealing with kids and have unreasonable expectations from the. Try to recognize such behaviors and put a pause on it. This will be the time to reflect on you and unravel certain things. You could also take help from close friends and family.
- Wounds need to be cured:
Many a times our behavior reflects certain past wounds and history. Talk to your family for such cases. You can also seek professional help so that you can improve your current behavior with your kids. We need to very carefully sort out our own personal issues before reacting and dealing with kids otherwise, we are vulnerable.
- Power struggles need to be avoided:
Whenever you get triggered, try to avoid negative interactions. It will be better to move out of the place or keep focusing on your kid’s strengths and not weaknesses.
- Stop bothering about future:
Do not try to overdose your minds with your child’s future. Whenever you feel you see catastrophe in your child’s future, replace your thoughts with positive things.
Relieving your mind from stress can be conducted through walking, yoga, prayer, meditation. This will relax your body and calm your head. Do this at least for fifteen minutes regularly.
These techniques will gradually help you achieve calm parenting with your serious commitment and practice. You will definitely stop yelling at your kids if you try these tips.