I personally cannot connect with such an experience, as although I have had a disciplined upbringing; it was beautiful in most ways. So I am writing from watching other parents on how they bring up their children.
Having seen and read quite a bit on parenting, I have seen many friends who had been raised in a codependent, dysfunctional and emotionally abusive households. Obviously, I have always thought that they passed this on to their children. But, one of the most important issues as a parent is to ensure that they don’t ever go through the misery that you may have experienced. The first step is to ensure that the emotional abuse stops with you, and is not carried on to the next generation.
Your mission should be to ensure that your children know that they are loved and cherished. They should also be independent, believe entirely in themselves, confident and that they have a safe home at all times. You should promote their talents and allow human connections mixed with love to fill their lives.
In other words, your job is to transform your fuel into a positive force. You should never do to your child, what your mother or father has done to you. Of course, this is in a negative context. You should pass all the positive talents that you had imbibed from your parents. All of us have fears, but that is inevitable. Whatever your fears are, you should be confident in your parenting abilities.
You should know what people could do to kids and to their upbringing. Any emotional scars, obtained during childhood will raise its head only at the appropriate time. So ensure there is mutual respect, and that children’s vulnerability is not exposed.
Now, parenting apart, the first step for parents who have had a difficult upbringing is “letting the past go.” Try to ensure that all these negative energies are slowly converted and transformed into positive thoughts. One must be extremely careful that you are not misunderstood and that the negative experiences of the past do not repeat itself.
The best testimonial to this that when a son or daughter says with all honesty that their parents took true interest in them. They loved him and gave time to him so that they turned out to the best. There is nothing better than that.
So, what kind of parent do you want to be?
It may look easy to say what we want to be and what we don’t. The key is to really finding out that. Once that is sorted out, then you are your way. To put that in perspective, “I am that parent who shows by example, and who wants the best for my child, and that happiness is a choice.” Therefore, it’s not surprising that most kids have their parents as their role models.
So, start becoming that role model that your kids always hope for. Exemplify positive change and remember that you cannot undo what has been done. Also, remember that it is times of difficulty, that your presence as a parent makes a huge amount of difference to the child. Don’t ever let your child feel later that he had a neglected childhood. In other words, if you haven’t “erased the past,” your pain will soon be transferred to your child.
Only when we have learned to listen to our gut instincts, and begin to honor our inner voice, are we ready to model ourselves for our children. Otherwise, they would unconsciously turn out to be an extension of your identity, rather than an independent person with their own ego and ambitions. If they don’t have an independent identity, we would unconsciously engage in interactions with them. This reflects a manipulative mentality, which they will likely imbibe.
Those who have had difficult childhood will know how it is to be manipulated and ignored. So, try not to repeat the past and start becoming parents that are more sensitive. It is also important not to over sensitize, but maintain a balance between our needs and theirs. You may have inherited troubles and difficulties and you may have even inherited a raw deal. However, try to see the good side of that. You already know how it feels to be there.
So, do your homework and you can become the living proof that things can be a lot better. Give your children room to develop and discover themselves, and do not confront them with your misplaced egos.
This is the point where we end, and our children begin.